The Truth About Pregnancy.

This is me.

2 days before I was induced, or "pop" as so many people kindly put it.

Food for thought... it may be in everyone's best interest not to insult the hormonal pregnant lady... just saying.

When I was pregnant I felt I was on a 9 month roller coaster ride.  Everyone told me to get on, but once I was on it, I couldn't get off and there was no turning back.  When I think of a poor first time mom... I think of the poor virgin who gets a huge party before she is thrown into the volcano.  A poor lamb who innocently is thrown to the lion.  When I meet a first time mom, I have fear, pitty, and excitement for her.

The only problem with the sacrificial virgin analogy?  She did sleep with him and she will spend 9 months fearing if she made the right decision.  It may sound harsh... but it's true. 

What went through my mind when I first got pregnant?  I was scared of how my life would change. I didn't know if we were "ready"?  I didn't know if we were "able"?  The answers are:  Your life will change dramatically.  It will get easier and you will eventually get use to it.  You will never be "ready" and you are definitely "able" in ways you didn't know you were capable of.

All I wanted to hear when I was pregnant was that it was "all going to be worth it".  I am here to say.... it is and it will be.  A child brings more joy to your life than you ever thought possible.  But with that, there is a lot of work and sleepless nights.

But...





















it... will...   all...





















be...























worth... it.




And for some reason, you'll sign up to do it again.... and maybe again.

THE FIRST TRIMESTER
So, you just found out you are pregnant.  Chances are you are 6-8 weeks along.  The only problem is...  you can't tell anybody.  Why?  Because 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester.  Those 6 weeks are hellish!  You are petrified of losing a child you don't even have yet.  For 6 weeks you will check the toilet EVERY TIME YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM for signs of blood or a miscarriage.  Now assuming you survive the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, you will probably experience dizziness, nausea, dry heaving, throwing up, constantly tired, and constant needing to pee.  You will learn "morning sickness" is not only in the morning, and that beyond TUMS there is no medication you can take to feel better. So DON'T GET SICK.  I never threw up in the first trimester.  I did eat a lot of triscuits tho.  About a box a week.  Around 10 weeks all my symptoms went away.  I was convinced I had miscarried.  All of a sudden I wished the symptoms were back, just so I knew I was still pregnant.  Sounds crazy and it is. A lack of symptoms is short lived, so enjoy it while you can. At your monthly doctor appointments you will learn you are a pin cushion.  You will be poked and prodded for quite a long time.  If you are afraid of needles, you'll get over that quick.  But, the ultrasounds and seeing your baby on that screen makes it all worth it.

THE SECOND TRIMESTER
Oh!  Hello!  All of my symptoms came back!  I got most of my morning sickness at the beginning of the second trimester, but of course all woman are different and will have different experiences.  There is a long list of foods pregnant woman are told to avoid during pregnancy.  With it all... I think I could still eat lettuce?  They took away everything I loved: sushi, brie, blue cheese, feta, sunny side up eggs, jacuzzis, tuna, cold cuts, tea, and alcohol.  The more they said I couldn't have it the more I wanted it.  My doctor said as long as I consumed with moderation I could still have most of these things, so ask your doctor what you really can have.  But that was my green light.  I pretty much ignored all the things I was suppose to avoid with the exception of alcohol (although I did have a little wine. If I have to be honest.)  I drank an obscene amount of English tea while pregnant.  It's hot, it's comforting, and with the perpetual sore throat and stuffy nose I had through out my pregnancy, it was the only medication I could give myself.

Food cravings?  All food on tv looked amazing!  I knew I was in trouble when food on cartoons looked delicious!  I was such a healthy eater before I got pregnant and that all went out the window.  I didn't want anything that resembled a vegetable near me.  I ate more french fries in the 9 months of being pregnant than I had eaten in my entire life.  I thought eating snickers during sex would be the most amazing experience ever!  (Course it probably could be, I never tried it.  If you do... let me know what you think.)   I couldn't be around meat for about a month.  I was convinced I was the only vegetarian pregnant lady who couldn't eat vegetables on earth.  I threw up one morning when I saw a chef make a meatloaf on tv and the only other time I threw up was the very expensive Valentine's Day dinner my husband took me to which was short-ribbed induced.  Sorry honey.  My other weird food issues?  I made shrimp enchiladas because I thought shrimp were not "that meat like" and although I thoroughly cleaned and deveined each shrimp, I couldn't eat it.  I ate 3 oranges a day for 3 days and I hate oranges.  I had chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for dinner 3 times.  I thought that was totally normal.  My weirdest craving was nachos with chocolate chips.  Yes, chocolate chips on top of my nachos.  There are times I still think that sounds good, so I don't know if that was just a pregnant thing?  I ate 1 lb of sees candy in two weeks.  (I highly recommend not getting your husband a 1 lb box of sees candy while you are pregnant.  I think he had 3 pieces.)

Second trimester was the best!!  Well...  as long as you can get past the throwing up, feeling sick, peeing yourself constantly, always running to the bathroom, your ass is on fire, random anal pain, boobs are huge and heavy, nipple color changes, breaking out like a teenager, and people wondering if you are pregnant or fat...past all that... second trimester is the best!!

THE THIRD TRIMESTER
Congratulations!  You are in the home stretch!  And if you are tripping on whether people are wondering if you are pregnant or fat... you are certainly looking pregnant!  Unfortunately, aches and pains come with the third trimester.  The baby is starting to get heavy.  Your baby will double in size, your ankles swell, baby is moving and kicking, your back hurts, you have trouble sleeping, and there is a large host of health issues you may be facing.  I had round ligament spasms for the last 6 weeks of pregnancy which was severe pelvic pain. Yep.. those were a long 6 weeks.  Hemorrhoids, diarrhea, and constipation all kicked in.  The third trimester, was where people say stupid stuff like, "You are not going to gain anymore weight, are you?  You know where that baby has to come from?" Um... Thanks.  Never mind that my baby is going to double in size, so no, I wasn't planning on gaining anymore weight.  Twice during my pregnancy I had people say, "You have such pretty hair.  Too bad it will all fall out after you give birth."  Truth is: you will loose vast amounts of hair 3-4 months after giving birth, but it will grow back or be unnoticeable (at least that is what happened to me, can't speak for all woman).  And the ever popular question while pregnant, "So are you afraid of pooping on the table at childbirth?"  Truth is: it is common for woman crap while giving birth.  This happens because brilliant people say "giving birth is like taking the largest poop of your life."  If you are pushing like you are taking a crap, chances you are you will.  I had a friend explain that "pushing" is like doing a reverse Kegel.  It helped me.  I even had a nurse say how amazed she was I didn't poop on the table, so I patted myself on the back. 

CHILDBIRTH
Childbirth is a mother's battlefield.  A war that every pregnant woman faces.  She will win, but she will not come out unscathed.  Us mothers, when we all get together, it is often a topic of conversation.  The bigger the child, the harder the labor, the more we mothers commiserate on their war wounds.  The only things I can say is....  If you have a friend giving birth: give her flowers and make her family dinner.  It will take her weeks to heal, her hormones are crazy, she's overwhelmed, overstimulated, and she is expected to take care of a screaming newborn.  That is no easy task, so even if she denies your help, give it anyway.  If you are married to someone giving birth: you are an idiot if you don't give her flowers and a "PUSH" present should be expected!  The size of a push present should be equal to the size present you would want after being electrocuted every couple minutes for however long your poor wife had contractions.

Stretch Marks?  They were something I was scared of throughout my pregnancy.  All woman want to bounce back after pregnancy.  I have come to accept that I'm no celebrity who has personal trainers and nutritionists so I can look better than I did before giving birth.  But the one thing I can say is, when I see my stretch marks, I wear them with pride.  They are proof and a daily reminder that I carried my son for 9 months.  And for that, I'm proud.

But truth be told, when I see a pregnant woman now, I think she is beautiful and amazing.  I have vast amounts of respect for pregnant woman and for all the body changes they have to go through.  What we do throughout pregnancy is a miracle.  We think girls turn into woman at puberty?  I think a woman becomes a woman during pregnancy and she deserves nothing short of the utmost respect.